I wanted to hear his truth, but I wanted his truth to be what I wanted to hear.. so I sat confused.. I didn’t want to hear it from his friends, but him.. we never had the chance to REALLY have a conversation, I mean a serious one, you know, like the ones we had before.. time built walls between us, how to break them down, I don’t know, I’m not even sure if that’s possible..
I thought back to the first night that we kissed. I pictured him standing in front of me, smiling as he brushed my hair from my face, exposing my eyes – my eyes that entrusted every word escaping his lips. I could remember the way he tasted and the way he smelled. I could still hear him whispering into my ear. I had opened up to him and told him things I couldn’t tell anybody. Everything was perfect. I didn’t know what went wrong along the way.
I drifted back to the time I had gone days without eating. Liquor became my nourishment, and cigarettes my best friend. After a couple of days, I forced myself to believe I was strong. I felt unstoppable, but in reality I had become what I promised myself I would never be. I despised being stared in the face, reminding me that he had won. I began moving on to other vices, hoping to hide myself from the pain. My world seemed to be crashing down around me, and I felt completely alone. Day after day, I would find myself in the same situations. Ones I couldn’t control.
Remembering all these, my tears searched their way out.. my face became a fluid. I wiped away the tears with the sleeve of my shirt, then pulled a pack of cigarettes from my pocket. I removed a cigarette and let it rest gently between my fingers. Reaching back into my pocket, I pulled out a black lighter. Lighting the cigarette, I pulled the smoke into my lungs. A tear slid down my cheek, but I didn’t brush it away this time. Instead I let it roll down my chin and drip onto my jeans.
He appreciated my insecurities, which allowed him to be a part of my survival. He would always tell me that even when he finds another girl, he would still seek for my imperfections. I considered the reality of his influence, and I realize I had finally found a way to reclaim myself.
The last time we were together was when I went to his place… we cooked, we talked, we laughed, we hugged, we kissed… things we used to do before… things i would surely miss… things that made me feel so complete… the feeling was — unexplainable… I don’t know what it was, but it felt good, really… and I’d trade anything for that to happen again… because after that day, I never felt complete again…
"What you don’t know will not hurt you.." Like he always tells me… and truth will, i guess, set me free…
I finished the cigarette and left it still burning on the floor. I walked out of the house and stepped onto the sidewalk. The air was cold and I felt more alone than usual. I walked to the edge of the road and stared at the tracks leading away from me, challenging me to follow. My throat tightened, although what I felt wasn’t sorrow, but relief. With a defiant step I began to walk in the opposite direction, leaving my uncertainty behind.
"i didn’t ask for it to be over, but then again, i never asked for it to begin.. for that’s the way it is with love… EVEN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAYS EVENTUALLY HAVE THEIR SUNSETS…"
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