A WRITE-UP EVERY GIRL SHOULD READ

This article is not to stir up paranoia in you, or change your perception of love. This is just what I have learned and realized after a string of bad breakups and countless conversations with friends (few years my senior mostly) who have had more experiences in the past. But I must say, writing this blog got me picturing myself putting on that phenomenal wonderwoman getup running everywhere like a woman on a mission. What a funny thought. Not one of those HA-HA-HA jokes though.

I remember the very first time a boy has ever laid eyes on me. It was a moment I kept in my heart. Who would forget something like that? It was an event that changed my life forever. His name was Harry. We went to the same school. He was a new comer when we were in Sophomore. We clicked instantly. Back in my high school days, I used to be called “Ms. Congeniality” I even received a small trophy for playing that title very well. I was indeed very pleasing and friendly. And so, making friends with Harry was easy as ABC. I don’t exactly remember how it started, but one thing was certain – we became the best of friends right away.

We would always hang out every after school at my place or in that small canteen just outside our school named MangDo. I was also his Math and History tutor. When we are not together, we would spend our time talking over the phone until we fall to sleep. And the next day, he would wait for me at the school gate so we go to the assembly together. Being late most of the time, we would always be asked by the principal to come up the stage and stand there for the whole duration of the assembly. That was how we made our names. HA!

It was not that long before we decided to take our friendship to the next level. He was my first boyfriend. My best friend who became my best boyfriend. It was a relationship everyone envied. It was founded by trust, respect, love and friendship. Definitely a beautiful love story. Until he cheated.

And so, I had to leave him. It wasn’t easy. Two years wasn’t a joke. But at that time, it was the best thing to do. At least that was what I thought. Cheating for me marks an end to every relationship.

I consciously looked for someone to fill the place Harry once had. I’ve had one too many. I tried to see HIM in every guy I met. But none of them ever captured my heart. It was never the same.

Until I found “the one” who swept me off my feet. He came at the right time and right place. I was back in the loop.  Love came my way again. My heart beat for a young man named Alfred.

This time, it lasted for 5 years. It was better compared to the first one. I guess my first relationship prepared me for the next one in line. I was more mature and better handled situations.

We were both in college then and just starting to explore life. For me, it meant making new friends and trying out new things. It was different for him. His exploration included girls. I was again cheated on. Many times. It happened over and over. Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke up with him. If I didn’t, I would have lost my self-esteem.

Soon, I found another companionship that tasted like real love. Alfred was replaced.

Though everything happened pretty fast, the relationship was such a bliss and managed to last, somehow. My world revolved around Oscar. I became really close with his family (and still am as I write this).

Everything was so perfect that we thought of getting married. We even planned it with our parents. The first months were magical. He was too good to be true. He was every woman’s ideal man (trust me) But then, like the two bastards before him, he cheated too. I didn’t see that coming. I let my guards down and allowed him take over me. Why don’t I ever learn?

And so the relationship came to an end just early this year. Since then, I went on dates with different guys and tried to study them. It only brought me to one conclusion: Men are unique – Unique in the sense that they play their games different from each other. Still and all, game will always be in the picture. That has been the argument between women and men. The latter would always defend themselves (of course) and say it’s not true, but be that as it may, I have been there and seen it and felt it. For me, it’s real. This really happens. Maybe not to you, but it proved its existence to me and I am only speaking for myself.

I never, ever committed after that. I wasn’t ready yet. And still not up to this very day. Just the thought of jumping into a relationship again makes me sick. Finally, the happiness and completeness I have been searching all my life appeared transparently right into my face. I thought that would only be possible if you had a partner – the better half, as they may claim. Apparently, that is not the case with me. I have an astounding relationship with myself and so far, this is the best state I have ever been in my entire life.

THE BEGINNING

One time, I chanced upon my sister’s supposed-to-be-husband, Zander. They were together for 11 years. Why didn’t they get married, you may ask. He cheated, few months before the exchange of their vows. As expected, my sister called off the wedding.

So this was what our conversation covered.

CHEATING

Zander shared a story of him that happened months back. He was at the bank to deposit some money. Beside him was a couple in their early 70’s. They were really sweet and was joking around, laughing really hard. They were an epitome of true love.

Of course, they caught the banker’s attention. I mean, who would have not? And so she inquired, “Sir / Ma’am, if you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been together and what is your secret for a long-lasting marriage?”

The old man was quick to respond. “We have been married for 53 years now. The secret? It’s simple. Women should make bigger adjustments than men, and that they should accept the fact that men by nature are polygamous.”

The story lingered in my mind. I thought about it hard enough and came up with a realization. A wise one (though I am not sure if any woman or man for that matter, would agree with me on this one)

THE REALIZATION

All men cheat. At some point, they will. No one won’t. They will cheat, from the simplest to the most extreme form.

With all the heartbreak episodes, I think it’s safe to say that I have all the right to be preaching about this. These are the pains of being pure at heart. Don’t get me wrong. Like I said at the start of this write-up, I am not trying to stir up paranoia, tension and whatnot.

I have always believed that cheating is a mortal sin. If you have been unfaithful to your partner, then the relationship should stop immediately. Right there and then after you knew about it. It is an unforgivable act and should never be tolerated. With this being said, it’s pretty obvious why I break up with my boyfriends, my cheater bastard ex-boyfriends the moment they betray me.

But then again, if I will live up to this belief, then that would mean jumping from one relationship to another until I die.

REPEAT: UNTIL I DIE.

Because I will never find a one-woman-man.

I mean, I put an end to a relationship when my partner fools around. I look for another prospect, but that doesn't guarantee that this next partner will never cheat on me. So what's the point of leaving and finding another one and starting all over again? Useless. And ridiculous.

THE CHOICES

It's either I waste all my life desperately trying to look for the model type relationship and die unsuccessful of this mission

OR

I accept the fact that men are naturally philanderers and just go with it.

It's just a matter of how much I can take. The moment you commit, you take heartbreaks and cheatingsss with it. They go hand in hand.

HOW I PLAN TO GO ABOUT THIS

Cheating is allowed, until I find out about it. My man can do whatever he intends to do, for as long as I do not obtain knowledge of the dirty dark secrets. If I do, then it’s over. Trust is given 100% at the very start of every relationship sans hesitation. I will believe him unless he provides me reasons to do otherwise.

The experiences I have had in the past gave me a cold-blooded life lesson. I learned it the hard way. Had I not encountered these emotional miseries, I would be weak, fragile and flimsy. To put that into perspective, let me take for temporary use the wise words of the German philosopher Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche:

“WHAT DOES NOT KILL YOU ONLY MAKES YOU STRONGER.”

And I am alive. I survived. That should say something to you.

Note: Names of the characters in this write-up had been changed to conceal their personalities. Some events may also be a little twisted, but not far for what truly took place.

If you wish to comment or if you may have any violent reaction, please feel free to share them. I am very much welcoming it. :)

My last cigarette for him:

I wanted to hear his truth, but I wanted his truth to be what I wanted to hear.. so I sat confused.. I didn’t want to hear it from his friends, but him.. we never had the chance to REALLY have a conversation, I mean a serious one, you know, like the ones we had before.. time built walls between us, how to break them down, I don’t know, I’m not even sure if that’s possible..

I thought back to the first night that we kissed. I pictured him standing in front of me, smiling as he brushed my hair from my face, exposing my eyes – my eyes that entrusted every word escaping his lips. I could remember the way he tasted and the way he smelled. I could still hear him whispering into my ear. I had opened up to him and told him things I couldn’t tell anybody. Everything was perfect. I didn’t know what went wrong along the way.

I drifted back to the time I had gone days without eating. Liquor became my nourishment, and cigarettes my best friend. After a couple of days, I forced myself to believe I was strong. I felt unstoppable, but in reality I had become what I promised myself I would never be. I despised being stared in the face, reminding me that he had won. I began moving on to other vices, hoping to hide myself from the pain. My world seemed to be crashing down around me, and I felt completely alone. Day after day, I would find myself in the same situations. Ones I couldn’t control.

Remembering all these, my tears searched their way out.. my face became a fluid. I wiped away the tears with the sleeve of my shirt, then pulled a pack of cigarettes from my pocket. I removed a cigarette and let it rest gently between my fingers. Reaching back into my pocket, I pulled out a black lighter. Lighting the cigarette, I pulled the smoke into my lungs. A tear slid down my cheek, but I didn’t brush it away this time. Instead I let it roll down my chin and drip onto my jeans.

He appreciated my insecurities, which allowed him to be a part of my survival. He would always tell me that even when he finds another girl, he would still seek for my imperfections. I considered the reality of his influence, and I realize I had finally found a way to reclaim myself.

The last time we were together was when I went to his place… we cooked, we talked, we laughed, we hugged, we kissed… things we used to do before… things i would surely miss… things that made me feel so complete… the feeling was — unexplainable… I don’t know what it was, but it felt good, really… and I’d trade anything for that to happen again… because after that day, I never felt complete again…

"What you don’t know will not hurt you.." Like he always tells me… and truth will, i guess, set me free… 

I finished the cigarette and left it still burning on the floor. I walked out of the house and stepped onto the sidewalk. The air was cold and I felt more alone than usual. I walked to the edge of the road and stared at the tracks leading away from me, challenging me to follow. My throat tightened, although what I felt wasn’t sorrow, but relief. With a defiant step I began to walk in the opposite direction, leaving my uncertainty behind.

"i didn’t ask for it to be over, but then again, i never asked for it to begin.. for that’s the way it is with love… EVEN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAYS EVENTUALLY HAVE THEIR SUNSETS…"

A girl could dream

Just recently, a good friend of mine, Melissa, from high school got married to her boyfriend of 10 years, Paolo, who was also a schoolmate but 2 years our senior.

I’ve seen them since the day they became friends up to the time they realized that it was no longer just friendship – they discovered to have romantic feelings towards each other.

I remember we were in sophomore, we joined Girl Scouts of the Philippines. Every camping, the Boy Scouts would join us. It was really fun. We learned a lot and enjoyed every activity we had. Soon, the closeness began between the two groups. We would hang out after school at my place, and the closeness became more intense. It was a cater-cousin kind of relationship. Some discovered mutual likeness with each other, until it blossomed to a beautiful puppy love affair.

But the kind of fondness Melissa and Paolo found within themselves was different from the rest. When everybody was breaking up and falling apart, they remained strong, we envied them. Yes, including me. I have lusted and longed for a perfect relationship because seeing them as a couple made me realize that fairy tales could happen in real life. Maybe not with a white horse trotting my way, but sure there is a charming prince in the picture, professing his love for me.

Sometimes, I would find myself looking out the window as if I was being directed to pose for a music video, daydreaming my knight in shining armor would throw a pebble to catch my attention. I could hear him hollering my name, begging to be heard. Though even before I could declare what I feel inside, I’m pulled back to reality. It was just one too many regular days in my life where I just stay by the window watching everyone pass me by. The pebbles thrown in my direction were just thick raindrops falling on the roof rolling down the window… and well, my name being called? It was just an imagination.

But then again, a girl could dream.

To this day, I’m still in my long search of the very man who will sweep me off my feet. In a string of bad breakups, I have mastered the art of solitariness. But you know, at some point it will hit you hard, and you fancy having a companion --- a partner.

He will come I know. The right time may not be nigh, but it will. Until then, I will take pleasure in other things the world is offering me. So when Prince charming and I cross paths, I will be ready for him right off the reel. It will then be perfect. Just like the movies. There is a happy ending.